Sometimes you're gone for awhile. You get out of the habit of writing, or making, or whatever your habit used to be (working out? doing laundry proactively instead of ohcrapnobodyhasanythingtowear? groceries.) But just when you feel the desire to go do that thing again - feel the universe calling you back, your better angels calling your better self, you can do this! You got this! - just then you are swamped with the weight of passing time. Your shame-self, gaunt and crabbed and cringing, suddenly cries, All that time has passed! And I have no accounting for it!
But to whom to we owe that accounting? To that shame self? To whoever holds people accountable for lost habits (probably the same deity who hoards all the single socks, and that really cute green top I can't find).
But shame-self is very persuasive. Ugly, and cowardly, and oh so persuasive. Don't! No need! Nobody will care. It doesn't matter. And somehow it feeds on that company you're keeping, in the bottom of the boat, stranded on a strange shore.
And you lose your nerve. Because all the 'splainin you have to do to the invisible crowds who just won't believe whatever story you've cooked up. And so whatever it is that you wanted to say, wanted to make or do (hello, gym - hello old friend I've been meaning to call), the little boat of hope you were JUST about to push off of the shore and out into the river again, is swamped before you even set sail.
Today I remembered a quote, because God often speaks to me through the quotes I have stored in my head - that here is how I can step right over my shame-self and push off the shore in at least THIS ONE LITTLE THING:
As Mormons we're taught that "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass," and yet it's just so darned hard to believe, when you're sitting in front of a mountain of work that (in perfect honesty) was of your own making.
But if the universe calls, if the better angels call, if your future self waves over from the middle of the river, just go. Forget about what might or who might, and just go.
That's what I'm doing today, right here.